turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
