Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
