I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
