I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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