Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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