So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
