Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
