I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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