i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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