it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
