I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm having to shit out rocks
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
