guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize