If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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