I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Pants are for mortals
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
where are my pants?
in the oven.