Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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