paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
