Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
