but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
