i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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