Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
