One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
