I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize