Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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