Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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