I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
