and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
