Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
