I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
