When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
