Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
