Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
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if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating