I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???