totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
