im six kinds of drunk right now
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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