She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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