Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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