Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Screwed.edu
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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