We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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