I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
