I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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