I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
