I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
