someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
