No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
