Yo dont text me then not text me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
