hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
