there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
