what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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