Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
