fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
