The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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