New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
