My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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