Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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