Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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